There’s Method to my Madness. Sorta.

Some writers have prescribed rituals related to the writing of different books. They’ll burn a certain kind of scented candle, create a playlist that reflects the mood of their project, practice tantric yoga for half an hour before opening the document. It’s method writing, kind of, but I never really put much stock in that.

“Whatever,” I said.

“I don’t need no steengkeeng method,” I averred.

“Methods are for pansies,” I posited.

A pansy.

But when I was all done averring and positing and just plain ol’ saying, I came to a sobering realization: I, too, have a method; it’s just the same for every story.

Okay, perhaps I wasn’t being quite accurate when I say it was a “sobering” realization. Since my method involves vodka, one can’t really say it’s even in the general neighborhood of sobriety.

Here’s a breakdown of my writing method.

1. Pour vodka, retreat to writing recliner.
2. Insert headphones and crank symphonic metal music.
3. Open word document and reread the last chapter to orient myself.
4. Start writing new stuff.

Granted, it doesn’t always go that way. Sometimes I open Grooveshark and cue up my Dystopian Headbanging Music playlist. That works too. Either way, there’s loud music and alcohol involved in my writing sessions, almost invariably. So…yeah. I have a method.

Sorry for judging you, method writers everywhere.

(Actually, I’m not sorry, but that whole humility thing is supposed to go over well with humans. So I’m told, anyway.)

Thing is, it’s not a very good method, is it? I mean, if I wanted to sit down before work and crank out a couple hundred words, I couldn’t exactly pop the Popov and get to typing, could I. Similarly with the lunchbreak. Hip flasks, while not expressly banned at my office, wouldn’t be welcomed, per se. (Okay, they’re expressly banned.)

I think I need a new method.

Sigh.

Really, it’s a realization I came to a while ago. Yes, I can write without lubrication and loud music, but it seems that this particular story prefers to be written that way. I guess I should just make sure the next story wants to be written with pansy-scented candles and herbal tea. ‘Cause I need more words in the day, and this few-nights-a-week-with-chemical-stimulation thing isn’t going to cut it in the long run.

Anyone know where I can find those candles?